Pencil-Necked Geeks
by Petrel
Summary: Jake runs for school board and Daria helps out. A new girl arrives at school and Sandi is suddenly nowhere to be found....


"Pencil-Necked Geeks" by Petrel  
  
Story: Daria is drafted into passing out pencils for Jake's run   
for school board, while Quinn plays tutor to Sandi, whose sudden   
sickness coincides with the arrival of a new girl at school....  
  
*********************************************************  
  
(Opening : Another Fashion Club perambulation. 'Waif' wanna-bees   
Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are making their way through the   
halls of Hallowed Lawndale High in no particular hurry.)  
  
Stacy : "And then...the car broke down! I was stranded! Out on the   
highway! With...NO CELLPHONE!!"  
  
Tiffany: "...carrrrs...."  
  
Sandi: "Hopefully you remembered our Fashion Club rules -- 'a   
cellphone is *more* important than an automobile'. It is better to   
be chaffeured than to have to deal with *icky CAR matters*."  
  
Tiffany: "I hear that car smoke is verrrrrry bad...for your skiiiin."  
  
Quinn: "It depends on the car, really. If it's an expensive car,   
like the ones that supermodels own, then the exhaust is supposed   
to be *good* for you."  
  
Stacy: "-- and then I -- "  
  
Sandi: "The *burning* question is should one sit in the *front*   
of the car, to imply that the good looking guy in the expensive   
car has the hots for you, or should you sit in the *back*, to imply   
that the good looking guy is your chaffeur and he's taking you to   
a date with an even *better* looking guy?"  
  
Stacy: (hesitant) "The front?"  
  
Tiffany: "The baaack."  
  
Sandi: "The back. *Definitely* the back. As I *never* drive.   
Let the *losers* occupy themselves with gasoline and car thingies.   
As members of the Fashion Club, we have to set an example! Else,   
people might think that we are in Auto Shop and that we have (ominously)   
Auto--Shop--Hands!"  
  
Others: "EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!"  
  
Stacy: (Trying to change the subject) "Say, I've never seen *her*   
before!"  
  
(The others look to the collection of random, dispirited Lawndale High  
Students. A new student, blonde, very pretty, with short hair, looks  
about, trying to see who might be her friend.)  
  
Tiffany: "She's cuuuuute."  
  
Quinn: "But not *bouncy* cute like a cheerleader! And not "Waif"   
cute like Inconna or Sheri! Of course the ---"  
  
Sandi: (suddenly) "I have to go! Excuse me!"   
(Sandi takes her books and leaves.)  
  
(Silence among the three.)  
  
***********************  
  
(CASA MORGENDORFFER. Breakfast with Helen, Jake and Daria. Quinn   
will be down after creating her look. Helen is busy on the phone   
(as usual) with The Firm What Rules Her Life. Jake is dressed up   
(no place to go) and reading the newspaper.)  
  
Helen: "Yes, Eric, it's going to be Judge Waite, the 'hanging judge'.   
*What??* They've already made a statement to the Lawndale Register!!"  
  
Jake: (reading) "Lowsy...incompetent...." (Daria looks on.)  
  
Helen: "When are you going to finish that?! That's *my* paper,  
and there's something that -- "  
  
Jake: "Taxes...TAXES!!...it's another attempt to *STICK IT TO THE   
CITIZEN*!! More of my hard earned money going down the drain!!"  
  
Quinn (offscreen): "Dad!! Can I have some money to go to Cashman's   
this afternoon?"  
  
Jake: (to Quinn) "Whatever!! (to paper) "I can't believe it!! It's   
like they're pouring my money down a black hole! Where does it go!!"  
  
Daria: "To Planet Cashmans, where an attractive but unintelligent  
species weaves it into gossamer dreams and happy moonbeams for all   
children."  
  
Helen: "Jaaaaaaake, you could *just* give me the local section of the   
paper!"  
  
Jake: (whines) "But that's the section I'm reading!!"  
  
Daria: "I wouldn't wait long, Mom. Dad's been here an hour and hasn't   
gotten past page two. Sources tell us that by an eight to three vote,   
they decided to hang the town's Christmas tree lights on *Sunday* instead   
of *Saturday*. And that kind of riveting journalism takes a hold on a   
reader."  
  
Jake: "Helen, did you know that the school board has asked the   
town for a bond issue to raise money for the schools? And I have   
two daughters!"  
  
Daria: "He finally noticed."  
  
Jake: "That's a *double* whammy! A *DOUBLE* whammy! Lousy education  
bureaucrats! At least I was safe from all of that in military school!"  
  
Daria: (thinking) "Drawn like a moth to the light...."  
  
Jake: "We had a *real* education there! NO disrespect! Taught to the   
tune of a hickory -- "  
  
Helen: (deciding to interrupt and quickly) "Jaaaaaake, you've never even   
gone to a meeting of the Lawndale PTA! You know nothing about   
educational issues!"  
  
Jake: "I know more than those lousy bureaucrats! (reads further) Say! In  
the fall one of the board members is stepping down! There's an election!!"  
  
Daria: "...don't say it...."  
  
Jake: "I know what I have to do!"  
  
Daria: "...run from the train..."  
  
Jake: "I'M GOING TO RUN FOR THE SCHOOL BOARD!"  
  
Daria: (about to say something)  
  
**********************************  
  
(DARIA'S ROOM : Says it in her room as Jane listens.)  
  
Daria: "...*impact*."  
  
Jane: "Your Dad is really going to run for the school board?"  
  
Daria: "He has three months before the by-election."  
  
Jane: "Think of it, Daria. You would be the power behind the throne!"  
  
Daria: "More like the red carpet that leads to it. To be trodden upon by  
powerful, well-connected people with no interest but their own. Could  
you imagine how close I would become to Principal Li if Dad were on the  
school board?"  
  
Jane: (shudders) "I see your point. So how do we shatter your father's  
political career? I take a mean incriminating snapshot, with the help  
of my Internet software...."  
  
Daria: "It's not that easy. Dad's ego isn't exactly bulletproof. I'd hate  
to see him lose and have the remnants of his ego pulverized into wood  
chips."  
  
Jane: "What if he wins, then?"  
  
Daria: "I don't know. Dad's never won anything in his life. He might   
change. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."  
  
Jane: "On the horns of a veritable dilemma, I see. Thank God my   
family has no ambition. I think it's biological."  
  
Daria: "So Dad has asked me to go collecting signatures for a petition."  
  
Jane: "And you remembered that you have the month scheduled to do   
missionary work to South American cannibal tribes?"  
  
Daria: "Well, it's not easy to say no to both your parents."  
  
Jane: "They paid you?"  
  
Daria: "Exactly."  
  
*************************************  
  
(LAWNDALE HIGH: Another day trudging the mighty hallways of Lawndale.)  
  
Daria (to Jane, at Jane's locker): "Good morning, concerned   
citizen. Would you like to exercise your constitutional right to   
enact change at the highest levels of municipal government?"  
  
Jane: "I don't have to buy copies of the Watchtower?"  
  
Daria: "No. But if I carried some, I'm sure people would  
sign this petition just so I'd leave."  
  
(The mystery girl seen earlier in the show walks up to Daria and Jane.)  
  
Cori Anne: "Hello! My name's Cori Anne Durkin. You must be Daria...  
and Jane."  
  
Jane: (suspicious) "You're not with the FBI or other Federal agencies?"  
  
Daria: "Yes. I'm Daria. And this is "and Jane"."  
  
Cori Anne: "So, I'm new here. I've heard that you two know all the   
great places to hang out at Lawndale!"  
  
Daria: (suspicious) "Yes, but we need to make sure the bodies there   
stay buried."  
  
Cori Anne: "Well then...can I hang out with you?"  
  
(Daria and Jane exchange glances.)  
  
Jane: "*Yourrrrrrre* a friendly one, aint'cha?"  
  
Cori Anne: "I hope to be. Really, I'm not that bad."  
  
Daria: "I don't know. This is kind of sudden. This is the first   
time that anyone's wanted to 'hang out' with us. As a result,   
we're nonplussed."  
  
Jane: "But we'll consider your application. Signed in triplicate."  
  
Daria: "In blood." (Cori Anne looks unhappy.)  
  
Daria (more seriously) "Cori Anne, I don't think that hanging   
out with people you don't know is the best way to make friends at   
Lawndale. Besides, given the way you're dressed, I think the Fashion   
Club would be the best place for you."  
  
Jane: "In the meantime...call back in two weeks and we'll see if   
we can fit you into our busy schedule. We have a 1-900 number."  
  
(Cori Anne walks away.)  
  
Daria: "Can anyone explain what *that* was all about?"  
  
Jane: "It must be your winning personality. Your overwhelming   
charisma was the first thing that attracted me to you."  
  
Daria: "Funny. I thought it was a joke. That someone put her up to it."  
  
Jane: "Indeeeeeeeed. Do I smell a mystery a-borning, Velma?"  
  
Daria: "Still-borning. I'll ask the Evil Spawn of Hell at home   
if she knows anything about this Cori Anne person. When it comes to   
the social scene at Lawndale, Quinn knows all the answers."  
  
*******************************************  
(CASA MORGENDORRFER. Quinn's room.)  
  
Quinn: "No, I don't know who this Cori Anne person is! For a few moments  
I thought she had the style and radiance to be put on the list for  
future Fashion Club members, but now that I know she's hanging out  
with the Train to *Loserville*...so, my interest has dropped."  
  
Daria: "Fine. Just remember that when the male population of Lawndale   
takes the "Train to Cori-Anne", you'll be fishing for rides to   
'Chez Pierre' from that same pool in which I swim."  
  
Quinn: "It will *nevvvvver* happen, Daria. (sighs) Some are meant   
to shine like stars, others are the surrounding black stuff that is  
...what stars aren't."  
  
Daria: "I can't beat *that *argument. I hope you're as persuasive when we  
go from door to door, handing out pencils and poking a stunned populace  
to bestir itself to vote, "JAKE MORGENDORFFER FOR LAWNDALE SCHOOL BOARD".  
  
Quinn: "Sorry, Daria. Can't *go*. I'm very busy this weekend."  
  
Daria: "With what?"  
  
Quinn: "With...something-that-I-can't-tell-you-about-because-it-  
wouldn't-concern-a-person-who-is-so-like-completely-*dorky*!!"  
  
(Daria walks away. Quinn immediately picks up the phone and speed dials.)  
(Jagged separation edge in frame. Stacy Rowe is on the other end.)  
  
Quinn: "Stacy!"  
  
Stacy: "Quinn! How are you!"  
  
Quinn: "Never *mind*! That new girl...that Cori Anne something or  
other...whatdo you know about her?"  
  
Stacy: "Well, I've heard that she used to live in Lawndale but moved away  
three years ago and now she's moved back! Rumor has it that's she's already  
got a date lined up with *Joey*!"  
  
Quinn: "Not Joey!"  
  
Stacy: "Yes, *Joey*!! I hear that's she's going to join the Cheerleading  
Squad! And that she's already been talking to Tiffany about applying for  
Official Fashion Club Membership!"  
  
Quinn: "Well, *that* will never happen! She's already been seen hanging out  
with...uh...my...*cousin*! And her socially challenged psychotic friend!"  
  
Stacy: "You mean she's a...??"  
  
Quinn: "A *psycho*! Once word gets out, we *won't* have to worry   
about Cori Anne anymore."  
  
Stacy: "That's a relief! Tiffany is going to call tonight and I'll be sure  
to tell her!"  
  
Quinn: "Where's Sandi, anyway? She's been sick for the last week! I hope  
it's not some kind of skin disorder you can catch."  
  
Stacy: "Tiffany told me it was...you know...her *condition*!"  
  
Quinn: "Oh, that's right. Her...uh...*condition*. It's...well, Stacy, you  
know...."  
  
Stacy: "Yes...uh...*sure, I know, Quinn*!"  
  
Quinn: "About Sandi's condition!"  
  
Stacy: "Oh, sure Quinn! I've know all about it! You don't?"  
  
Quinn: "Uh...*surrrrre* I know! I just wanted for both of us to   
review it...for Sandi's sake!"  
  
Stacy: "Well, I...uh...I wouldn't want to waste your time telling you what  
you already know!" (Stacy is noticeably sweating.)  
  
Quinn: "Well, uh....(now, Quinn is sweating!)...uh, how is Tiffany?"  
  
Stacy: (very relieved) "Great! She told me that Brooke -- !"  
  
(A beep is heard on Quinn's phone.)  
  
Quinn: "Call waiting! Hold on, Stacy!"  
  
(Stacy moves out of the jagged edge and Sandi moves in.)  
  
Sandi: "He--*llo*?"  
  
Quinn: "Sandi?"  
  
Sandi: "Quinn. I'm surprised to see you at home. I thought, like,  
you might be on a *date*. Or something, this being a Thursday."  
  
Quinn: "Uh...heh-heh...no, Sandi, I was...I was on a date *last*   
night!! I'm surprised I didn't tell you about it, but...you've been   
sick, recently!"  
  
Sandi: "Uh, yes...I've been *sick*. The doctors do not know what's   
wrong, but I've learned that I will be needing my school books.   
Mr. DeMartino is threatening to fail me in History. So I have to   
read stories about dead, unfashionable people and I need you to get   
my books out of the locker."  
  
Quinn: "What about Tiffany?"  
  
Sandi: "Tiffany...sometimes *forgets* to do things."  
  
Quinn: "Maybe Stacy could -- "  
  
Sandi: "Quinn! I am asking you for a favor as one Fashion Club member to  
another! You are, after all, the vice-president! The *leaders* of the  
Fashion Club must work together! In one week's time, one can fall   
*seriously* behind in the world of fashion! You do not mind going   
out of your way, do you, as I will be needing them *tomorrow*."  
  
Quinn: "...*tomorrow*?"  
  
Sandi: "*Yes*. You would not want to see another member of the Fashion  
Club fail history? Or have you forgotten your responsibilities as -- ?"  
  
Quinn: "Why Sandi, it won't be a problem!"  
  
**********************************************  
  
(URBAN LAWNDALE : Daria and Jake sit at a desk outside Lawndale's   
thriving (?) business district. Behind them is a banner that says   
"JAKE MORGENDORFFER FOR SCHOOL BOARD".)  
  
Jake: "God...God I know how President *Reagan* must have felt! A chance to  
get out and MEET the public! To discuss the burning issues!! Kiddo, this  
campaign is going to go places!"  
  
Daria: "True. You might even get some suggestions as to where from the   
public."  
  
Jake: "Now remember the schedule, Daria! I'll sit here and canvass the  
general public. It's *your* job to hand out these pencils, with my  
name on them so my name will be...HEH HEH...'close at hand'!"  
  
Daria: "Sure, Dad. Do you mind if I decided to pass out these pencils  
in some less congested part of Lawndale? After all...I wouldn't want to  
compete with such a charismatic individual. The light must always shine  
on the candidate, I must say."  
  
Jake: "Sure thing, Daria!! I wouldn't want you swamped into having people  
ask you questions you can't answer."  
  
Daria: (taking the boxes of pencils) "No, Dad. I usually end up asking  
those kind of questions. I'll see you after the last pencil has fallen."  
  
***************************************  
(DARIA begins walking away from the shopping district, with her two boxes  
of pencils. She stops at a phonebooth and makes a call. Jane is at the  
other end of the screen separation.)  
  
Jane: "Castle of Death. We accept credit cards."  
  
Daria: "Jane?"  
  
(In the background, Trent's voice is heard singing, "I need you baby like a  
dog needs a bone...")  
  
Jane: "Sorry. Mystik Spiral has just discovered Ted Nugent." (gulps)  
"I need to escape."  
  
Daria: "The mall's a good one hour walk from your house. Maybe an hour and  
a half."  
  
Trent (in background, off key): "You can yank me, and you can crank me...!"  
  
Jane: "I'll *run*."  
  
  
*********************************  
  
(THE SAME phone where Daria had called earlier. Jane finally makes it to  
the mall. Daria is sitting on the boxes of pencils.)  
  
Jane: "Waiting long?"  
  
Daria: "Long enough. Let's unload these pencils and let's get back home."  
  
(Jane takes a box of pencils and the two begin walking. She carefully looks  
over the pencils, as an artist might.)  
  
Jane: "You know, Daria, these pencils might not do your father much good."  
  
Daria: "No kidding. Why is that?"  
  
Jane: "Well, I can see why the blue and gold theme might be fitting for  
Lawndale High, but read closely, oh graphically-challenged one."  
  
(Daria looks at one of the pencils, for the first time.)  
  
Daria: "'Jake Morgendorrfer for School *Bored*?' Oh my God...."  
  
Jane: "Kind of apropos, isn't it?"  
  
Daria: "I knew it. After I talked Quinn out of having butterflies and   
teddy bears on the pencils...."  
  
Jane: "Let me get this straight...you *let* Quinn design the pencils?"  
  
Daria: "The first mistake in my Dad's campaign. God forgive me."  
  
Jane: "And you had a graphic designer next door, and you didn't make use  
of her wide ranging talent and expertise?" (Slightly annoyed.) "Your  
*second* mistake."  
  
Daria: "What surprises me is that she couldn't spell her own last name."  
  
Jane: "Maybe she wanted something...cuter."  
  
(The two climb to the top of a hill. As far as the eye can see there are   
rows of houses.)  
  
Jane: "Well...it's all...*downhill* from here."  
  
****************************************  
  
(The GRIFFIN household. Quinn is carrying a large backback of schoolbooks   
with the "halo" logo from earlier seasons. Quinn stands at the front door  
and rings the bell.)  
  
Linda Griffin: "Why, hel-*lo* Quinn. How is Mrs. Morgendorrfer? Tell her  
that we missed her input at the Civic Responsibility parade. Luckily *I*  
was able to take up the slack that she...unfortunately allowed."  
  
Quinn: "Uh...hi, Mrs. Griffin! Can I see Sandi?"  
  
Linda: "Of course, Quinn. It's so *good* that you've agreed to tutor Sandi   
in her schoolwork! I've taken her to the doctor, but in this *hick* town  
I can't get a straight answer from anyone! Since she shall be out of school  
for an extended period of time, it's so *kind* that you've volunteered this  
extra time out of your busy schedule."  
  
Quinn: (confused) "I *did*?"  
  
Linda: (evil grin) "I have already made arrangements with Principal Li.  
She was so happy that you have decided to bring up your...unfortunate   
academic record at school and volunteer to *tutor* those in *need*.   
Unless...I should call back and tell her that you weren't concern--"  
  
Quinn: "Oh, *noooOO*! That-heh-won't be necessary! I'm *surrrrrrrrre* I  
can help Sandi in any way she needs it!!"  
  
Linda: "Good. Because she needs help in *all* her subjects. This might  
be quite time-consuming. But Sandi has said that you are such a *gooood*  
friend. So close."  
  
Quinn: "Oh, Sandi, and I, we're like...very close!"  
  
Linda: "Good."  
  
(Two Hellions, Sam and Chris Griffin, grab at Quinn's legs.)  
  
Sam : "Hey, Quinn!! Tutor *me*!!"  
  
Chris: "No!! Tutor *me*!!"  
  
Linda: "bbbbbbAAAAAACCCCCCKKKK!!!" (They scamper.) "Must I get my belt?!"  
(Quinn walks in.)  
  
***********************************************************  
  
(DOOR TO DOOR Hell. Daria and Jane begin their pitch. Jane rings the bell.)  
  
Disgruntled man: (opens door) "Hello?"  
  
Daria: "Greetings. Jake Morgendorrfer is running for -- "  
  
Man: "I'm not interested." (Slams door. Daria is still holding the   
pencil.)  
  
Daria: "At least I have the tools to write the litany of failure."  
  
Jane: "Perhaps you can *sharpen* your skills at the next door. Or,   
failing that, dump these pencils."  
  
Daria: "No way. I promised Dad I'd give these away and we're going to. If  
I have to knock on the doors of every house in Lawndale *and* Highland."  
  
(The Next Door.)  
  
Woman: "Hello?"  
  
Jane: "Hello. We represent a major pencil manufacturing company and   
we'd like your opinion on our new design of pencils. We're taking a poll."  
  
Daria: "This is a new pencil, which incidentally, is an endorsement for  
Jake Morgendorffer in his campaign for the school board. Can you tell us  
if anything is wrong with this pencil?"  
  
Woman (looks closely): "Hmm...isn't "board" spelled with an "a"?"  
  
Jane: "Highly observent. The yellow contrasts fairly nicely against   
the blue. This No. 2 passes the orthographic recognition test!"  
  
Woman: (suspicious) "This isn't a Candid Camera sketch is it? Or the   
Tom Green show?"  
  
Daria: "Perish the thought. To confirm our trustworthiness, you may   
*keep* this pencil. Goodbye."  
  
(Woman watches them leave, then closes door.)  
  
Jane: "Your first sale, kid. You're doin' great!"  
  
Daria: "Thanks, boss. Only 399 more sales to go."  
  
***************************************************  
  
(SANDI's BEDROOM: The typical Fashion Club bedroom. If it's actually  
been shown in the series, well, I promise you it looks no different.)  
  
Sandi: "Let's see. a equals b over c. Solve for 'c'. *Quinn*...do you  
have any ideas?"  
  
Quinn: "Uh...I thought it was, 'i before e except after c'."  
  
Sandi: "Ohhhhhhh. It's a *trick* question. You are *so* good at math,  
Quinn...are you sure that you're not a *brain* or something?"  
  
Quinn: "Oh, *noooooooooo*, Sandi! I would have gotten that one wrong too,  
but my stupid *cousin*. You know, geeks...they like homework so much they  
talk about it all the time, it's like, a Britney Spears tune that runs   
through your head. (sings, lamely) 'i before e except after c...'".  
  
Sandi: "I see. No. 'i before e except *after* c'". (The two laugh.)  
"Let's do number 3. At least the odd answers are in the back of the   
book -- "  
  
(Phone rings.)  
  
Sandi: "Tell them to go *away*!!"  
  
Linda (offscreen) : "It's that Cori Anne girl!!"  
  
Sandi: (looking over her shoulder at Quinn) : "I don't know a 'Cori Anne'!  
Like, maybe she has the *wrong* number!"  
  
(Waits for pause in conversation, to make sure her mother passes on the   
message.)  
  
Sandi: "Really, Quinn...it is difficult enough to be *president* of the  
Fashion Club, but to have to take calls from *unknown fashion wannabes*.  
Maybe she thinks I'm an *operator*, or something."  
  
(The phone rings in Sandi's room again.)  
  
Sandi: (to mother) "Hang up!!"  
  
Linda (offscreen): "She *keeps* calling. You will have to answer the phone, this  
time, Sandi! I can't handle *all* of your problems for you!"  
  
(Sandi's face sets into a hard mask. She picks up the cutesy phone in her   
room.)  
  
Sandi: "What-do-you-*want*?!...No...NO!...I don't want to *talk* to you!!  
Go away!!...Like, *why* don't you just move *back*?...Why did you move here?!...  
well...hm...well, you, like *wasted* your time...I would *kill* you...  
and you wouldn't *like* it either, I know...NO!..*NO!*...shut UP!! Go away,  
you *bitch*!!" (slams phone down)  
  
(Quinn looks on, fascinated.)  
  
Sandi (weakly sighing): "...I don't know...."  
  
Quinn: "...Sandi?..."  
  
Sandi (recovering, a bit angry): "Never *mind*, Quinn! Some people...want  
to join the Fashion Club and they won't take *no* for an answer! Quinn...you  
will *not* let this Cori Anne person into the Fashion Club! Promise me  
*that*!"  
  
Quinn: (honestly) "Sandi, I'd *never* ask anyone to join who made you so   
mad -- "  
  
Sandi: "I am NOT MAD!!" (silence) "I'm just...*tired*. It's the *sickness*,  
Quinn. That's enough for today. See you tomorrow."  
  
************************************************  
  
(MORGENDORFFER DINNER TABLE: The usual suspects.)  
  
Quinn: "So, like, I was helping Sandi with her algebra when this *Cori Anne*  
person calls, and like, tries to *barge* her way into the Fashion Club!  
Which I thought was really weird, since Sandi was sick! Besiiiides, she  
should have called *me*, seeing as I *was* the Vice President, and Sandi's  
present duties have -- "  
  
Daria: " -- allowed the public spectacle of impeachment."  
  
Quinn: "She's kind of pushy, isn't she, Daria? She wanted to hang out with  
you and Jane, and now she wants to hang out with *us*!! Who knows who   
she'll hang out with next?"  
  
Daria: "We'll have to let the police know, and have them bring their   
tranquilizer guns. Stop her before she hangs out again. She seemed   
nice enough to me."  
  
Quinn: "But creepy?"  
  
Daria: "Yeah. A bit. But it is rare when people are nice to you without an  
ulterior motive."  
  
Jake: "Hey, Daria! How's about spending a little family time together this  
Sunday?"  
  
Daria: "Case in point."  
  
Jake: "And Quinn! Why don't you come with us? We're going to be   
pushing the ol' Morgendorffer agenda to the public?"  
  
Quinn: "Sorry, Daddy...Sandi needs me! I'm surrrrrre Daria would be glad to  
help you, Dad!" (smiles wickedly)  
  
Daria: "Yes. Either that or invest in a mechanical pencil dispenser. Those  
don't come cheap."  
  
Jake: "Great!! I spend three hours talking to the public! *Three hours*!!  
I learned a lot about the school system in that time, too? Did you   
know that fifty percent of the students at Lawndale are *below average*   
students? *BELOW* average!!" (angry) "Someone needs to *investigate*!!"  
  
Daria: "I would start with the Math A class. All right, Dad. I'm going to   
have to locate my partner in crime. You stay put. The public awaits."  
  
********************************************************  
  
(CANVASSING. Again, Daria and Jane learn what it's like to push a pencil.)  
  
Homeowner (mowing lawn): "I don't know about this Jake Morgendorffer fellow.  
Kind of a *foreign* name to me."  
  
Jane: "I'm sure that if you were to vote for him, he'd be willing to change  
it to 'Morgan' or something shorter."  
  
Homeowner: "How does he feel about *prayer* in public schools?"  
  
Daria: "Candidate Morgendorffer seeks limits. For example, Scientologists  
may not bring their e-meters to school and disrupt classes. Furthermore,  
all Santeria sacrifices must take place at the official stone altar next  
to the flagpole."  
  
Homeowner: "What about evolution?"  
  
Jane: "If he thinks our students can evolve, they should go for it.  
Candidate Morgendorffer has never been one to hold back on kids reachin'   
their dreams."  
  
Homeowner: "What about the football team? About sports? Our football team  
is okay, but the basketball team sucks eggs!"  
  
Daria: "Candidate Morgendorffer would never have athletic organizations suck  
anything they didn't want to."  
  
Jane: "Don't ask...don't tell."  
  
Homeowner (thinking): "All right...I'll take the man's pencil."  
  
Daria: "Your kindness knows no bounds, Sir. Remember to vote for  
Jake Morgendorffer. He takes the 'bored' out of 'school board'."  
  
**********  
(Walking away)  
  
Jane: "Y'know, Daria...I didn't want to say anything...but at the rate  
we're going, it's going to be impossible to get these pencils moving.  
People are so...turned off, y'know? You want to give them a pencil -- "  
  
Daria: "And they read you the riot act. (sighs) Like it or not, Jane,  
better, more qualified minds are needed."  
  
Jane: "You mean?"  
  
**********************  
  
(LAWNDALE HIGH: The next day.)  
  
Kevin: "Pencils! Cool!!!"  
  
Daria: "The pencils aren't for you, Kevin. They're for members of the  
football team and cheerleading squad to give to other people."  
  
Brittany: (squinting) "Jake...Morgenn...Margen...."  
  
Daria: "*Morgendorffer.* Let me ask you both a question. Who pays for  
the football team and the cheerleading squad?"  
  
Kevin: "Uh...President Clinton?"  
  
Brittany: "No! I know! Our parents!"  
  
Daria: "Close. The school board allocates the budget. Don't you think  
it would be nice if, say, the football team went on a trip to Cancun for  
spring break?"  
  
Kevin: "We're going to Cancun? Whoa!! Yeah!! Lawndale Lions rule!!"  
  
Brittany: "Don't *you* think about going to Cancun on a trip and leaving  
*me* behind!! Besides, I can wear my new swimsuit!!"  
  
Daria: "No, Brittany. That will not happen unless the Lawndale Lions have  
a friend on the school board. I'll break it down into simple phrases. Are  
you with me?"  
  
(Kevin and Brittany nod.)  
  
Daria: "If the Lawndale Lions want to go on a trip, they need money...  
right?"  
  
(The two nod.)  
  
Daria: "The School Board hands out the money."  
  
(The two nod.)  
  
Daria: "It would be good to have someone on the school board who will   
give you money."  
  
(The two nod.)  
  
Daria: "If you pass out enough pencils, Jake Morgendorffer will be on   
the school board and he might give you money. Someone *else's* money,   
anyway."  
  
Kevin: "So...the school board is giving away free money? Solid!!"  
  
Daria: (slaps head) "Just trust me. Giving out pencils...gooooood.   
Not giving out pencils....baaaddd."  
  
Brittany: "So...these pencils will take us on a trip to Cancun?"  
  
Daria: "No. But they might put Jake Morgendorffer in office."  
  
Brittany: "In that case, I don't want your pencils! *I'd* rather go on  
a trip to Cancun than crummy old Jake Morgendorffer!"  
  
(Jodie Landon appears behind Kevin and Brittany.)  
  
Jodie: "Hello, Daria. I'll take some pencils."  
  
Daria: "Jodie! Uh...thank you."  
  
Jodie: (to Kevin and Brittany) "And it really would be nice to help   
Daria out. Remember when you became Head Cheerleader, Brittany?   
Someone had to elect you?"  
  
Brittany: "Yeah!"  
  
Jodie: "Well, you're electing a friend of yours! Jake Morgendorffer   
won't be able to help cheerleaders if he doesn't get elected!   
Besides Brittany...have I ever lied to you?"  
  
Brittany (thinking, slowly) "Nooooooo...."  
  
Jodie: "Then pass out the pencils. Good things might happen!"  
  
Brittany: "I'll do it for Jake Hassenpheffer! I have to get the girls   
together so we can do a cheer!! C'mon, Kevie!! These pencils are   
kind of heavy to carry!"  
  
Kevin (offscreen, as the two walk away): "But, babe...when are we going  
to Cancun?"  
  
Daria (to Jodie): "Thank you for that moment of sanity."  
  
Jodie: "No problem. However, what you've done is illegal. It violates  
city ordinances. You don't canvas for elections on school property."  
  
Daria: "A night in the Lawndale Clink would do wonders for me. Besides,   
you've now become an unindicted co-conspirator."  
  
Jodie: "Your dad is running against Mike Verelle. He's a troglodyte. I  
want to see him lose. Besides, I won't tell if you won't."  
  
Daria: "At least I don't have to tote a hundred pencils around any more!"  
  
(OVERHEAD INTERCOM:) Daria Morgendorffer!! Report *immediately* to   
Principal Li's office!!  
  
Daria: "The pain never ends."  
  
*************************************  
  
(JANE's bedroom. Jane is painting a portrait of 'Justice', with Daria   
carrying a set of scales in one hand and a handful of pencils in the other.)  
  
Daria: "So, Principal Li was very nice to me."  
  
Jane: "Were the doors locked? If not, you have no excuse not to have   
escaped."  
  
Daria: "Well...Principal Li found out that I was a pencil pusher.   
Kevin gave his very first pencil to Principal Li."  
  
Jane: "I take it she's not going to vote for your father, then?"  
  
Daria: "Far from it. (sighs) She doesn't like Mike Verelle, either.   
Apparently, not only is he anti-intellect, he's anti-money, too.   
And you know what runs Principal Li's motor."  
  
Jane: "So you have an ally? Just as you feared...."  
  
Daria: "It gets *worse*. It seems that Principal Li has a   
discretionary fund...."  
  
Jane: "*No!*"  
  
Daria: "That's right. This morning, we received a brand new box of pencils  
at our front door. No return address. I even dusted for fingerprints."  
  
Jane: "The invisible hand of Angela Li."  
  
Daria: "The correct spelling on the pencils gave it away. (sighs) I have  
to get out of this campaign, and quickly. At least, Quinn isn't home.  
I have some respite in the evenings."  
  
Jane: "She's not staring into the strobe lights at the hardware store again?"  
  
Daria: "No. Sandi Griffin is sick with a mysterious illness. And now,  
we have Quinn Nightingale serving as nursemaid *and* tutor."  
  
Jaria: "The sick care for the sick --- "  
  
Daria: "-- and the blind lead the blind. It would be high comedy.   
Unfortunately, I'm trapped behind a fort of pencils."  
  
Jane: "Look at it this way, Daria...if you get a cup and some dark classes,  
you can sell each pencil at 10 cents a .... "  
  
*************************************  
  
(Next scene: Jane runs down the hall of her home, laughing. Someone,   
offscreen, is throwing pencils at her....)  
  
*************************************  
  
(CASA GRIFFIN: Late night. Sandi and Quinn are hitting the books.)  
  
Quinn: "So I said to Stacy, I said, "Have you *seen* what he wears? Canvas  
high-top sneakers! Red ones!!""  
  
Sandi: "You have to tell Stacy that canvas attracts *dirt*. And *keeps* it.  
It *cannot* be washed out. You can tell *everything* about a man by his  
feet."  
  
Quinn: "I'll be he doesn't even *own* another pair of shoes!"  
  
Sandi: "You'll have to put Tiffany on Shoe Watch. Tiffany's skills are  
visual. She's *very* attentive to that sort of thing."  
  
(A bump is heard outside the house.)  
  
Quinn: "What was that?"  
  
Sandi: "I don't know. There's no one home. They've gone to the lake...."  
  
Quinn: "Is it the front door?"  
  
(The bump is heard again, this time from the wall.)  
  
Sandi: "No...it's...*from* outside!!!"  
  
Quinn: "Sandi...is it...*a burglar*??"  
  
(Another thump.)  
  
Sandi AND Quinn: "AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaEeeeeee!!!!!"  
  
Sandi: "Quick! Call 911!! Call the police!! I'll get my father's gun!!"  
  
Quinn: (begins calling) "A gun?!? Sandi, we need to *hide* if it's a   
burglar!!"  
  
Sandi: "Hide under the bed and make the call! I'll hide under Dad's bed!  
Maybe the gun is in there!!"  
  
Quinn: "Can you even *fire* a gun?"  
  
Sandi: "Quiiiiiiinnnn!!! Start calling!!"  
  
(Another thump. A female voice calling out "Sandi, I know you're up there!",  
very audibly. Quinn edges toward the window and looks out.)  
  
Quinn: "Sandi...it's Cori Anne!! What does she want?"  
  
Sandi: "Get away from the window!! I...I'll talk to her!!"  
  
(Sandi opens the window. Cori Anne can be seen, standing at ground level.)  
  
Cori Anne: "Sandi! Why won't you *talk* to me! What did I do to *you*?"  
  
Sandi: "You know damned well what you *did* to me! You have so much nerve,  
even coming here!!"  
  
Cori Anne: "I know why you're not coming to school!" (sobbing) "It's  
because you want to get away from me!!"  
  
Sandi: "Shut up! Go away!!"  
  
Cori Anne: "I *love* you, Sandi!!"  
  
Sandi: "You're a freak!! I'm not like that!!"  
  
Cori Anne: "And I know....I know you love *me*, too!! How could you forget?  
How could you *forget* (bawling) a-all th-those times we had together?   
wh-when you would tell me your d-dreams? I meant *nothing* to you!!"  
  
(Quinn listens. She watches Sandi's shoulders slump when Cori Anne accuses  
her.)  
  
Sandi: "...well...*leave me alone*!! Can't you understand that!! You're  
ruining my life!! I can't even go out anymore!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!"  
  
(The scene from ground level. Cori Anne sits on the ground and cries.  
Finally, she stands up. "I--I'm sorry I hurt you, Sandi...I'm going to go  
away now. I...I won't bother you....")  
  
(Quinn sits on the bed, completely silent, hearing everything. One can tell  
that Quinn is trying to understand what she's just heard.)  
  
(Finally, Sandi walks away from the window, and closes it shut. Her mouth  
is quivering, as wet, soggy tears fall onto her blouse. She picks up one of  
her books on the bed, holding it, not looking at it. The dam breaks, and  
Sandi slumps on the bed, crying her eyes out.)  
  
(Quinn doesn't know what she should do next, whether to leave...or stay.  
Fear paralyzes her into indecision.)  
  
Quinn: "... Sandi....?"  
  
(Sandi sits up and tries to say something, and then embraces Quinn, still   
sobbing. Quinn tries to comfort her as best she can.)  
  
Sandi: "....f-forgive me...Quinn...please...please don't *hate* me...  
I'm...I'm so *tired* of people h-h-hating me...."  
  
Quinn: "...I...I don't *hate* you, Sandi...."  
  
(Sandi cries for a few moments. Quinn's right shoulder is now wet with   
tears.)  
  
Sandi: "...it's been so *long*...so long since I could hold somebody...  
anybody....you can *never* tell...*n-never* tell, Quinn...."  
  
Quinn: "No."  
  
Sandi: (looks up at Quinn, with a tear-streaked face) "...Q-Quinn..."   
(relapses and begins crying again).  
  
(Quinn is no longer comfortable. She's looking for an escape.)  
  
Sandi: (not looking at Quinn) "...h-how....you...you have such   
b-beautiful hair, Quinn...I've always wanted to *touch* it....to touch   
*you*...."  
  
Quinn: (frightened) "...uh...Sandi...Sandi...your parents...they'll be home  
soon...."  
  
(Sandi is not listening and continues to embrace Quinn. Quinn, now very   
panicked, forcefully breaks free from Sandi's embrace.)  
  
Quinn: "I have to go!!!"  
  
(As she runs out the door, she hears Sandi shout "Quiiiiinnnn!!!". The shout  
fades away as Quinn runs down the street.)  
  
********************************************  
  
(SEQUENCE: Black and white. A funeral parlor. Everyone is there in   
mourning. Quinn is there in a black dress and a veil.  
  
Staci and Tiffany see Quinn coming. They turn their backs on Quinn.  
  
Quinn walks down the aisle. There is a rustle of unfriendly whispers.  
  
Quinn sees Daria at the aisle. Daria turns her back on her sister. Quinn,  
compelled, walks past. Quinn is holding a rose, which is bleeding. Quinn  
notices the blood, but keeps walking.  
  
Helen and Jake are near the casket. It is a moment of fear, the fear that  
one feels in a dream. Quinn asks, tenatively, "...Mom...?"  
  
Helen and Jake turn their backs.  
  
The casket opens. Sandi sits up. The only color Quinn can see other than  
black and white is red...a wound from Sandi's head.  
  
Sandi says, "Join me, Quinn."   
  
She hands Quinn a gun. Sandi smiles the vicious smile seen so often before.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
(Quinn wakes up, startled. It is 6 AM. She flops back into bed, her eyes  
red with fear. Suddenly, she remembers. Sandi has a gun at home.  
She thinks of calling Sandi, and picks up the phone...but after dialing  
two of the numbers, hangs up the phone.)  
  
(BREAKFAST at Morgendorrfer's. Quinn looks haggard.)  
  
Daria: "I knew it would happen. You're starting to lose your looks. It  
comes from using your brain."  
  
Quinn: (sighs) "Shut up, Daria."  
  
Helen: "Daria, there's no reason to be so catty."  
  
Daria: "Are you sure the cereal wasn't Meow Mix?"  
  
  
Helen: "Honestly, I'm glad to see that Quinn is so interested in helping   
others. I'd like to see *you* making another effort. The nursing home   
wasn't you on your best day. Perhaps another student could use your help."  
  
Daria: "Sure. I could start by teaching Tiffany Blum-Deckler how to read.  
Oh, I forgot. She's *still* counseling me."  
  
Jake: "Hey, Kiddo! So, what's our next step. This Mike Verelle is running...  
(opens the paper)...'unqualified', he says! Well, I don't have to eat a  
whole egg to know that it's rotten! Rotten to the core!!"  
  
Daria: "Good for you, Dad! I'm sure you'll take the high road in this -- "  
  
Jake: "--I'm going to call the Lawndale Register and give them a piece of my  
*mind*!"  
  
Daria: "Uh...why don't you let *me* write a statement for you? After all...  
you wouldn't want the press to twist your words into something you didn't   
mean?"  
  
Jake: "Oh!...*that's* their strategy!! Good thinking, Daria!" (sotto voce)  
"Those *bastards*!"  
  
Helen: "Anyway, I'm off to work. You two should be off to school!   
Jake, I'll see you at the Landons at 5 o'clock!"  
  
(The family goes their separate ways. Quinn runs up to her room.  
  
She sits on her bed, in indecision. Finally, she hits the automatic dial   
button. Sandi appears on the other side of the jagged separation line.)  
  
Sandi: "Hel-*lo*?"  
  
Quinn: "Sandi...it's *Quinn*. I....uh...that is...."  
  
Sandi: (very uncomfortable) "*Oh*! Hi...well...uh...anyway...I suppose that...  
we can, like *forget* about last night."  
  
Quinn: "S--sure, Sandi!"  
  
Sandi: "Right...(sighs)...look...Quinn...I think...your tutoring has really  
helped me."  
  
Quinn: "Oh, thank you, Sandi!"  
  
Sandi: "...and...I've caught up. So...you don't have to come back anymore.  
I'll talk to my mom."  
  
Quinn: "Uh...sure! That is...I hope you don't think that...uh...."  
  
Sandi: "*Quinn*. *Stop* talking. It's all taken care of. I have to go.  
I'm waiting for a call. Bye, Quinn."  
  
Quinn: "...bye, San--" (hears click)  
  
(Last shot. Separation line. Two very unhappy members of the Fashion Club  
sit on their beds, staring out the window.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
